


Oxblood

by 17daysgreys



Category: Original Work
Genre: F/M, Falling In Love, M/M, Unrequited Love, War, Young Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-07
Updated: 2017-12-07
Packaged: 2019-02-11 21:20:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12944163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/17daysgreys/pseuds/17daysgreys
Summary: This is an original work and this is a chapter I'm working on. I would like to know if you'd be interested in more chapters/ the backstory of this one.





	Oxblood

Chris and Ryan

 

“Christopher Mathias Nelson,” Chris pointed to his name on the excessive list the army officer had in her hands.

“Alright, got you down solider.” Chris raised his hand to salute her; this was his life now, discipline, violence, and death. At least he knew the army wouldn’t abandon him.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

Tess’ recovery was progressing well, six months after the accident and she had already regained most motor function, but she still needed Chris’ help. The two of them had been living in the Roper’s guesthouse where Chris took care of her, cleaning her wounds, fixing her hair, and just trying to help her maintain some sense of normalcy. 

“Oh shit!” The tea kettle’s whistle roared through the thousand square foot pool house, “Crap. Crap. Crap. Are you kidding me?” Chris stressfully roared at the same time burnt toast popped up from the toaster and bacon was sizzling like crazy in the skillet. He ran around the kitchen like a chicken with his head cut off, half dressed, tie undone, shirt untucked, and his sexy five o’clock shadow had turned into a full fledged beard. Who knows how long it’s been since he’s taken a shower, a swipe or two of deodorant was all he had time for. 

“Here, it’s burnt, but I have to go my boss is going to kill me if I’m late again,” he plopped the plate of uncooked eggs, burnt toast, and bacon onto the nightstand next to a groggy Tess. His skin was red, like a lobster, and his panic and disorientation filled the room.

“Chris,” Tess began.

“What?” He snapped. She was taken aback by his tone; she honestly hated the person he was becoming. It was probably just stress, he is twenty years old and has more responsibility than most people could ever handle. 

Sometimes you’ll be walking and it’ll just hit you, your old life. You’ll hear their voice, the smell of the brewery plants will come into your nose, the places you discovered when you took your car out for the first time and just drove until you couldn’t go any further, you can picture them now so vividly, as if no time has passed. And you turn right at the fork in the road, up in front of you is a massive hill covered with trees that looks slightly too frightening to climb, so you go towards the road that is flat yet winding. Your music is blaring and you’re paying just enough attention to the road that you don’t drive over the guardrail and plummet into the evergreen forest below you, but you still keep an eye on the weeping willows that line the left side. And your car hits sixty five but you keep going, and the church on the hill is to your right perched up there in all its glory, you’ve driven up the road to it before, it’s quite hidden but there’s a pleasant, little ice cream shop with the best blue moon in town there if you look hard enough. On the other side of the flat road is a small tavern with a PBR sign; you’ve certainly contemplated the irony of having a church in your view as well as a place for drunken stoopers. How painfully obvious is it, the choice between good and evil, I can turn right or I can turn left, but we never actually take into account that I can go straight, which is the path I take every time.

And you start thinking about your life and all of the treasure it holds, but then comes your favorite part where the road winds and winds and winds, and you reach the canopy of trees that cover everything in their path. The sunny day has just turned dark and you spot the house on the hill, the house that is so secluded from the outside world, but surrounded by so much green and beauty, I wish I could describe it, but on a road you have to keep going, one cannot stop and stare at the sites surrounding them for too long, not if they don’t want to get hit.  
And we’re only blessed with these little moments for a short period of time, just enough so we can be reminded of them, just a little taste. And as much as you want to go back to those times, where pleasantries outweighed difficulties, back to when your imagination could run wild and your days weren’t filled with questions about if the people in your life really loved you, but were filled with questions about what character you would pretend to be, what city you would pretend to save, what battle you and your siblings would partake in? Were you a Gryffindor when your age could be counted on your two hands, now you look in the mirror and see a Slytherin, a snake that has devoured all of your innocence, and the roar of the lion has been muted by Satan’s tyranny.  
And if you don’t pay attention you might miss your own life, this life that you created and there are so many little moments that we take for granted, and you will lose yourself. Life’s not always about the big things, the marriages, the kids, the deaths; a life is simpler than that. A life is cups of coffee that you drink in the mug you hand painted when you were seven, it’s your dog running around the house with wet paws as you desperately chase him with a bath towel, it’s the embarrassing photo shoots you do with your new born and a lamb, it’s about the people who are in it and what you do together. A life is measured, not by the change that lines your pockets, or the number of windows your house has, but by the ability for you to realize that those petulant things aren’t what matter. 

It matters so much to be grateful. Because, if you don’t take the time to tell the people you love that you love them, one day they will be gone and your words will be like ash in a fire, wood that was burned too late. And all you’ll have left to remind you of them is your memories and as those replay in your mind and as you walk down the street and the breeze blows through your hair and you remember their face and the last words they said to you and how they left your life, you’ll feel nothing but resentment. You’ll start to hate that person who left, but you don’t ever ask yourself why, or ever admit your faults. And your heart grows a little darker and your walls are built a little bit higher, so the next person must grab a rope to climb up it, and they’ll resent you for being cold and distant and this vicious cycle will begin once again. And they will leave. The next person will too. And you will end up alone, with only the smell of the breweries tickling your nose once in a blue moon. 

But, you can change. You have the power to be stronger to take control of your own destiny, because sometimes someone will walk into your life and it will be completely different. They’ll be like a breath of fresh air. You’ll question how you ever lived life before, how did you even get out of bed in the morning without this person? Some people will actually surprise you; their hearts are still pure, untouched by the evil that you have grown so accustomed to. And you consider being a martyr, how dare you let your demons into their pure, gilded heart, but it’s not selfish to want saving. It’s not wrong to open yourself up. Sometimes we need help to tear down our walls, brick by brick. Doesn’t it feel good to smell the roses, rather than push the daisies?  
Chris looked down at his journal, it was the only thing keeping him sane in the warzone, and he felt good about himself for the first time in a long time. He felt like he had found his place, and even if Tess would never come back to him he knew that he wasn’t irreparably broken. Ryan had shown him attention like he had never had before. Ryan didn’t know him in the past, and maybe that’s why Ryan didn’t back away from Chris, Ryan didn’t know what he was missing. Chris finally realized something, as he sat there reading his jumbled writings, he had changed. He wasn’t who she fell in love with anymore and he couldn’t hate her for wanting him for who he was, not who he was now. His heart still stung, but at least the pieces were starting to be glued back together.

“What are you doing?” Ryan came up behind Chris and wrapped his arms around his neck, playfully, holding Chris so kindly like he had known him for years.

“Just counting my blessings. I’m am so grateful for you Ryan, thank you.” Chris twirled the engagement ring he had bought Tess between his fingers, and then he snapped the chain that held it close to his heart.

“What are you doing? Isn’t that Tess’? Ryan exclaimed.

“I don’t think I need it anymore, I have you.” Chris turned around and kissed Ryan for the first time. He didn’t care if anyone saw, he didn’t care if he got dishonorably discharged, he just wanted to feel a fire light under him again. He wanted to feel like a person again with real thoughts and feelings, who had actual reasons for why they were fighting and not just built up anger and frustration from people in his life constantly disappointing him. And Ryan embraced Chris’ attempt at a romantic moment, his chap lips and quickness didn’t make it a Hollywood-worthy kiss with the stereotypical rain and embarrassing speech, but the kiss came from a place of goodness and that made it magical. 

“I’m sorry, I can’t believe I just did that,” Chris embarrassingly pulled away from Ryan. 

“No, don’t be.” Ryan pulled Chris in closer to him and kissed him again, for the first time in his life Chris felt truly wanted. 

“Chris, I can’t keep doing this. What we had here is something I will always cherish, you will always have a place in my heart,” tears started to form in his eyes, “but we can’t deny that we have lives back home. And don’t think I don’t know you keep that ring in your pant pocket. I’ve seen you stare at it like it’s going to give you the answer you want. It’s okay that you still love her. It’s okay that you’re not ready to let go. So go home, find your girl, and get your answer. You’ll always hate yourself if you never try, but I’m not going to sit around and wait so I can be your second choice. If our paths cross again, maybe we’ll know it was meant to be. Until then, Christopher Nelson, it’s been a pleasure serving with you.” 

Chris got off that plane, engagement ring tightly held in his hand, and he couldn’t wait to see Tess. She knew he was coming home today, and even though they were broken up and she had her own issues to deal with, she was still his best friend. But as Chris walked through that airport there were no signs of her. And Chris had his answer; Tess wasn’t his anymore. He ran to the ticket counter and bought a one-way ticket to Chicago Illinois, he couldn’t let Ryan get away. But Chris tucked that ring away, he never looked at it again, but he couldn’t bear the thought of throwing it away. There would always be a little piece of him that would hold onto hope that one day Tess would come back to him. 

The clock strikes six and the husbands come home to a hot meal prepared by their wives. They sit and talk about their day, rarely is there anything eventful or phenomenal. But these sinners sit at their dinner tables and talk and talk about their ass kissing co-worker or the steal on lemons at the grocery store. But no matter how close they are, they never take off their masks and admit their faults. Remember the first step to overcoming addiction is to admit you have a problem. Ryan, my friends are coming for you and we’ll help you to see that you do not wear angel’s wings, but that they have been ripped from your back. Each feather plucked one by one. Every person, not just on this street, was made with infinite possibilities to be good. But what is good without Evil? I’m just helping everyone realize their true potential. I am the good in the world by being one of its greatest evils.

 

Chris Nelson (ENDING)

I think I just want to be wanted, you know for someone to pause, just for a moment, and maybe remember me… 

I don’t need to be occupying your every thought or to be the first person you go to when you have a problem. I just want to be someone who you think about every now and then, someone whose name hasn’t entirely faded from your memory. I don’t need to be a constant thought, but if I could be a thought once in a while, if I could creep into your mind when you look at that can of Miller Lite beer or when you go to the lake with your new family and the four of you look up at the stars and try to find the constellations, I hope for just one second you close your eyes and remember me. 

I pray you remember us when we were good, when nothing but death could stop us. I pray that you remember the laughs, the tears, the time when you knew you loved me and that I loved you with every fiber of my being. But I pray that you don’t remember the bad times, the times that cursed us. Like how I asked you to marry me and you said that you had changed too much and couldn’t, but deep down I knew you no longer loved me. I represented your past and that was a person who you weren’t anymore, the Tess I knew was gone. That, Tess, the Tess who threw caution to the wind and skinny dipped in front of two hundred of our classmates at Ted’s graduation party, that Tess and her confidence and her joy and her infectious smile died. But somehow, my mind couldn’t separate you. I just couldn’t stop fighting for the Tess I knew and loved, I knew she was in there I just had to be patient; she’d come back to me. But you never did. You found someone else.

I don’t need to be the person who makes your heart flutter or your palms sweat with excitement, I just want to be the person who creeps into your memory once in a while when you think about your first love. When you think about high school and how much simpler things used to be; how our only worries were our classes and which extra circulars to take. Now if I get to have an hour to myself it’s a blessing. 

I love you, Tess, I always have and I always will. You’re the person who makes my heart flutter; you’re the person who I think about first thing every morning, you’re the reason I fought for this country. But, he’s the reason your heart flutters; he’s the reason you get up in the morning. And if I loved you, if I truly loved you, I would let you go.  
Because, I do, I love you to the moon and back, but I can tell you don’t love me, well, not the way you did in the good old days. I guess Ted was right after all of these years, we’d all go our own ways, not on purpose, but our lives would just pull us in different directions, and overtime the people we left behind become unrecognizable. And the relationships we once had, the bonds that we swore could never be broken, become dust. 

Sometimes I think it’s easier to hold onto the memories, they don’t hurt me, because I really do miss when we were young. I miss the summers at the lake and how we’d just sit on Ted’s boat for hours and look at the stars while we drank a bottle of wine we stole from his dad’s collection. I miss how you’d graze your hand against mine as we walked through the hallways. Oh God, Tess I miss you, I miss you so much. Dammit! Dammit! I love you so much, God I love you, the sound of your voice, the smell of your skin, everything about you, I love. 

Do you know how much I want to barge into your home and kiss you, how much I want to feel your soft skin against my callused hands once more. I would give anything, anything, just to go back for five minutes. Before your accident, before the rehab, before the army, I wish we could go back to the time when it was just you and me and the rest of our lives in front of us. No challenges, no obstacles, just endless possibilities and choices that we were going to make together because we were a team.

But that, that’s just a fool’s errand, you’re not the woman I fell in love with, but I still love you. I crave the sound of your laugh, or the way you would softly punch my arm when I teased you about the way you did your hair. 

Now, your once tanned skin is always covered by khaki capris from Talbot’s and long sleeved t-shirts. You cover yourself up because you’re ashamed of your scars, your burns. Don’t be. They’re enticing, they make you, you. They tell a story, they don’t lie, they stare you in the face and say ‘look at me’ look at how broken I am, but you do not bend to their whim. You defeated them. And as much as those burns are a symbol of our demise, literally the burning of our love story, they also symbolize a new growth for you and that is something I have always wished. And because I love you, the old you and the new you, your laugh, your smile, the way you held my arm when you were scared, but also they way you declined my proposal, the way you gently told me you couldn’t handle us anymore, the way I see you look at him with stars in your eyes, I still love you.

But, I need to let you go. I need to let go of the Tess in my memories, the Tess with the blonde topknot and high waist denim shorts and the ketchup stain on her white shirt. The Tess that could out drink any guy and who’d take bets on if she could. The Tess that flew to New York City to chase her dreams, that’s who I fell in love with, that’s who, I wanted to marry. That’s whom I wanted to build my life with; that was the plan. Unfortunately, that’s not who you are anymore and that’s okay. Now, you’re happy with him and your family and the four of you do all the things I imagined we would do with our kids. You bring them to the water and they swim and they sail and they run around in the woods, just like we did when we were young. That’s all I could ever want, all I could ever need to know is that you’re safe and that you’re loved even if it’s not by me. 

Goodbye, Tess. He placed the engagement ring he had held so closely to his heart on her front step, he was finally able to let go. He wasn’t his past, he was a changed man, and it was doing her and him no good to dwell on what they couldn’t change. And as he walked away, with his hands in his pockets and his head slumped low she looked from her kitchen window as she watched the man she once loved get into his car. He used to be so broken, a shell of his former self, but she couldn’t help but wonder what could have been if she had stayed to help him. She opened up the door and grabbed the ring and put it around her neck, it was still warm. She watched as he drove away and he never looked back, she sort of hoped he would be like Orpheus and look back at her, but he had too much strength. However, Chris looked at her through his review mirror and smiled. Now, he had his answer.

And she knew; she knew how much he loved her and how hard it was for him to walk away. She looked out her window and she saw him, she saw his rugged appearance and the bags under his eyes, she saw the sweetness and the innocence that conquered him so long ago. She looked at his soul, its pureness and goodness; this was a man. A man who was mature; a man who was kind, honest, and a man who she didn’t deserve. How on earth was she worthy of a love like his, an unwavering, unquestioning love that people search their entire lives for. She had it. And she let it go. 

But she loved him, the man from her past, the man who made her feel safe and warm and loved. That man; will always be in her heart and she will never let him go because her memories are worth something. He is worth something. He is worth knowing, he is worth talking about, thinking about, he was her first love. He’ll never be a chapter of her past that is closed and never revisited; she’ll always revere him. She will tell her children about the man who did everything for her, she will teach them about respect and honor, because she knows what they are because Chris showed her. He treated her like a queen; he only wanted her to be happy, safe, loved. There’s something magical about that. 

But there’s something else, something that she doesn’t want to tell her children because she doesn’t want to ruin their innocence. True love is beautiful, and even when everything goes right, bills are paid, jobs coincide, you both agree on life changing decisions like when to have kids, what religion to raise them? But, it’s a painful day when you realize love, even true love, even true love with every piece in place perfectly, isn’t enough. She loved him with all her heart, but she couldn’t stand the person he was becoming because of her. He became angry and disoriented and filled with rage over things he couldn’t prevent and sure as hell couldn’t predict. She saw him die and she would have died if she let him continue on that path. So, it’s a hard conversation to have with her children, to admit that their father isn’t the love of her life, he isn’t the one who she hopes she’ll spend eternity with, he isn’t the one who she wants to be buried beside, he isn’t the one who experienced almost everything with her. But when you love someone, the best thing you can do is to be selfless, to love them so much that you let them go. Don’t chase them. Don’t beg them. Don’t gravel at their feet. They deserve to be worshiped, they deserve to be happy, and they deserve to live their lives without constantly looking over their shoulders to make sure you’re okay. Do not be an anchor to their success and their life. It’s not that hard to take care of yourself, just dive off the boat and swim into the endless blue waters and eventually you’ll find the shore. But it’s practically impossible to know when you have jump. So, maybe love is enough, it shows you when you need to walk away for them and for you.  
Sometimes, if you wish hard enough and love truly and deep enough, the people you love may just come back to you. But usually, it’s too late. And the love you thought you once had, the love that only comes once in a lifetime, is gone. Nothing will go back to the way it was before, the carousel never stops turning.


End file.
